Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Hell of a Town, Part the Second

 http://www.vfmii.com/medlib6/VIZ_C4415192_photo/0/81/262/81262948/81262948.jpg

Before I return to my narrative, here's a funny thing I forgot to mention: When we got back to the hotel on Sunday night, after moving Mimosa out of her dorm, we were hot and sweaty and dusty and tired. I had promised to take her somewhere for dessert (since I didn't get to town in time to take her to dinner — thanks again, Connecticut), but at that point I really only had the bandwidth to navigate us back to the hotel and get the car parked.

(And I totally forgot that I had emptied my own suitcase already to bring to her; even though I'd brought extra bags just for this reason, I left them all in the car, also my corkscrew — and I had the feeling that once the car was parked, I would have to pay to extricate it, even if I only needed to retrieve something. So the next few days became all about a quest for free bags; I managed to pack all my stuff [1] repacking Mimosa's one suitcase, [2] using my own Betsy's Wedding Convention tote bag, and [3] filling a Duane Reade plastic bag with my dirty laundry and empty Diet Pepsi bottles. This should impress Brunie, who knows how much stuff I tend to bring for a three-hour tour.)

(Duane Reade, by the way, is NYC's Walgreens, it is everywhere, which I found very amusing, having just watched The Night Of, in which Duane Reade is an important character. But I digress.)

SO, we're at the hotel and I spy a gift shop, with cold sodas and such. "Yay!" I said to Mimosa. "We can get something to drink." I grab a Diet Pepsi for me, a Vitamin Water for her, and two Magnum ice cream bars — the promised dessert! With great joy, I hand them to the cashier, who rings up my purchase. NYC veterans will not blink at what happened next.
  • Stone-Faced Cashier: That'll be $17.96.
  • Me: WHAT? 
[a pause]
  • Me: Wait. How much . . . ?
  • Stone-Faced Cashier (begins to tap each item): This is $4.99, this is $3.99, this is $4.99, this is $3.99.
[my mouth falls open]
  • Stone-Faced Cashier: Do you want a bag?
  • Me: I guess . . . not. 
[I hadn't realized yet that yes, I wanted a bag]
  • Stone-Faced Cashier: Do you want a receipt?
  • Me: No. Well, maybe to show my husband.
When we got to our room, I ordered Mimosa to savor that ice cream bar. She assured me that every bite was worth five dollars. In fact, that became our phrase for the rest of the visit. "Is that yummy?" "Going down like five dollars, believe me."

On to Tuesday morning and our mystery destination!!!

*              *              *              *              *              *              *              *

 W H E R E ? ?

Our hotel served free breakfast from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m., and I generally arrived around 8:30, had several cups of coffee, and then investigated the entree of the day. On Tuesday I enjoyed a small cheese omelet, wheat toast, and some turkey sausage — quite tasty!

I then texted Brunie and said, "How fancy is the Russian Tea Room? Do we have to dress up?" She immediately reassured me: "I wore a T-shirt and capris." Hurray!!!

(The Russian Tea Room is the thing I spotted on the Hilton Rewards list — and it was only a few blocks from our hotel!!!!)

After a relaxing morning of reading and crossword puzzles, Mimosa and I headed out for lunch at the Russian Tea Room!!!!



I ate this borscht! And loved it!!!

So swanky! So delicious! We had a wonderful meal and, with our nifty discount, saved a ton of dough. Thank you, Hilton Rewards!!!

We then walked two blocks to Central Park, where I sat and texted people and Mimosa scampered about because she's young and spry. Plus, she didn't finish her Russian Tea Room dessert. For whatever reason, I didn't take a single picture — but Central Park is perfectly beautiful. Perhaps you've heard?

Next destination: An important pilgrimage.

I'd been bugging Mimosa basically since she got to NYC to go pay her respects at Stonewall, but it just never worked out. Today, we determined, was the day:

Her godmother Brunie made this hat. I can't even.

I was bummed that the Stonewall Inn wasn't open yet — definitely on my list for my next visit.

A visit to Stonewall almost demands a certain dairy-based follow-up:


Mimosa had one of these:

While I opted for this:

And it was hella good, even though I was still slightly full of chocolate hazelnut mousse cake from the Russian Tea Room. But how could I not get a Big Gay ice cream?? Though I do regret, a bit, not ordering a Salty Pimp, simply to say the name. Next time!

We subwayed back home, veterans now, and took a little walk through Broadway.

Last subway ride — I'm a pro!
Martini's most-want-to-see show.
And then it was again time to fling bra, fling shoes, put our feet up, and drink cold drinks — for just a bit, because we had still another Major Milestone ahead.

Dinner was simple: Mimosa really wanted me to try NYC pizza, so we stopped at the first joint we saw:


I liked the thin crust and it was perfectly tasty, but I'm not really sure what the big deal is. Then again, I am not really a snob about pizza — I pretty much like all decent pizza. And maybe for your best example of New York-style pizza, you don't go into the first joint you pass by . . . ? Anyway. Perfectly tasty!

And then — Broadway, baby!!!

I'd tried to get tickets to Dear Evan Hanson, which just wasn't going to happen without breaking the bank, and all the various day-of lotteries seemed too worky. So I turned to my Broadway guru Sister Hart, and she said:
If you can't get any seats for Evan Hanson, I *highly* recommend Come From Away. You'll laugh, you cry, and you'll leave the theater dancing!
The reviews were fantastic, and I was able to get reasonably priced seats (though almost in the back row) — Come From Away it was!

The more we read about this show, the more excited we got.



Of course I had to drink champagne! I told the bartender that this was my first Broadway show (which now I think is not correct — Zanny, wasn't the play we saw on Broadway?), and he said, "Well, I have very bad news for you, because it's all downhill from here — you're going to have a hard time topping this one."

Here's a synopsis:
Based on an inspiring true story. September 11, 2001 was an ordinary day in isolated Gander, Newfoundland—until it wasn’t. Thirty-eight planes were diverted to its doorstep on that fateful day, making this small town unexpected hosts to an international community. The camaraderie that followed reminds us all of the power that comes from opening up your heart and your home.

It is a magnificent play, and we loved it beyond words. One of the actors is nominated for a Tony, and she was divine! We are rooting hard for her.


We walked home, feeling as satisfied as two humans could be.
 
Though by this point, I have to admit, I also had the feeling of being done — Russian Tea Room, NYC library, Stonewall, Broadway show; I'd seen and done what I wanted, and now I was tired of jostling through crowds all the time and smelling city smells. Plus, it was getting warmer, our beautiful breezy days were turning sultry and muggy. Time to go home.

Mimosa is sad to leave her beloved city.
I put my faith in MapQuest!!!
We drove swiftly home, only getting bogged down in Connecticut twice, and rewarded our perseverance with another stop at Rein's:

Mimosa drew me as a pickle.
And now we're home, jaded veterans of the big scary city. Seriously, though, it was such a great trip; it is still not "my" city, but NYC is completely demystified for me now. I can find my way around, I have mastered the subway, I plan to go see my daughter a million times next year. All is well.

And what a joy it was to do all this with no knee pain!!!! God bless my darling surgeon.


xox

Lady C, still and forever a BADASS

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Turns Out, It's a Hell of a Town


I believe I have been to New York City five times, though the first two hardly count — I went on a bus to the American Girl Doll Store (which seems so funny to me now, but back then it was Mecca and my girl was a True Believer), and I'm not sure I ever even went outside. Then, of course, I had my Wicked Glammy Movie Star Weekend with my dearest pal Zanzibar in 2013, and that was a visit that shall never be surpassed.

I returned to Gotham last August, and that was easily THE WORST experience.
  • It was hot. 
  • We were staying in Brooklyn, not near anything I wanted to be near.
  • My knees hurt, my feet were swollen, and I could barely walk. 
  • And at the end of the trip, we left my firstborn angel, my darling daughter, the fruit of my loins, in the big scary city all by herself. Well, all by herself amid 8.491 million big scary strangers, two of whom were her snotty pig roommates who did not impress me one iota at first meeting.
Yeah, that was not a fun trip.

But I have now completed Journey Number Five, and while neither Zanny nor J. Tilly made an appearance, it was nonetheless a blinding success from start to finish. And at the end, I got to bring home my girl! There is little that can top that.

I drove my own car — no Siri, no GPS, just some printed MapQuest directions and my own aging wits. And as always, I marvel over how the entire state of Connecticut comes to a halt on its highways. What the hell, Connecticut? How do you stand yourself???

I consoled myself with a lovely Mother's Day lunch at Rein's Deli, a place I've loved longer than my own husband. I had a Pickled Bloody Mary (just one though, remember my aging wits), and it went down gooooooood.

And then I drove into the city! And LAUGHED! Ohmygod, New Yorkers are terrible drivers!! (Who knew?) And if they just obeyed the traffic lights, there wouldn't be all this gridlock. But they didn't, and there was.

I missed one green light because I was being New England-proper (or California-mellow), but I didn't make that mistake twice; the second the light changed I charged into the intersection, all four inches of it that were available to me, and waited waited waited endlessly for a taupe-colored limo to make its way through.

Right then a police officer on horseback arrived, which made me laugh some more. Oh, yeah, horse guy, you're just what we needed here!

Finally the stupid limo had moved enough for me to get by, but then a guy tried to turn left in front of me. I slammed on my horn and yelled "NOOOOOOOO!" He threw up his hands in disgust and said something, but I didn't care, I sailed through the intersection yelling, "YOU CAN ALL BLOW ME!"

Readers, this is not a sentence I say often. Or ever, really. But when in New York, you gotta channel your inner New Yorkian. Or longshoreman. Whatever. I was a BADASS.

Sunday night's task was to move Mimosa out of the dorm room she's been sharing with yet another Human Pig — dear lord, you cannot believe the filth and crap piles my daughter has been living with. There I was, attempting to eradicate a semester's worth of gunk with Clorox wipes and elbow grease. But we did it, and we got her packed, while the Human Pig slumbered on the lower bunk next to us. What a weirdo. But it's over now.
Not an actual picture of their room — but close.
I did meet Mimosa's RA, who my daughter always describes by shrieking, "She's SO LITTLE!" See for yourself. She's an adorable girl and was very good to my daughter.

So little!!!!!!
I had no trouble finding my way around the Village; as many pointed out before I left, New York is actually way easier to navigate than Boston, as it's built on a grid. I never got lost, I never got scared. Woo-hoo! We made our way to the Hampton Inn, paid to park the car in the adjoining garage (I ultimately paid less than $200 to park my car in Times Square for four days, which seems like an amazing deal to me), and didn't see it again until we left on Wednesday.


(One of my friends, when hearing my plan, asked if the car would be safe in the garage. How the hell do I know? Where would be a safe place to park a car packed full of my daughter's college life? It reminded me of one of my mother-in-law's best sayings: "Don't park the car where it will get stolen!" She had many such gems, God rest her soul.)

On Monday, Mimosa was itching to show me around her 'hood, so back to Greenwich Village we trooped, only this time via subway — and it was so funny; we had only to glance at the subway map with the slightest of frowns marring our lovely brows, when a man materialized to ask if we needed help and offer guidance.

Subway babes!
 This happened over and over. The ethnicity and age of the man varied, but it was always a man.
  • Me: Why do you think all these men keep offering to help us?
  • Mimosa: Because we're redheads with great racks.
Probably.

The Village is gorgeous. We hung out in Washington Square Park, so pretty . . .

 

 . . . and then had lunch at Mimosa's favorite place, Umami Burger.


  • Cute Host Guy: Have you been here before?
  • Me: Me, never; my daughter, a hundred times.
  • Cute Host Guy: OK, so shall I tell you the story?
  • Me: Yes!
  • Cute Host Guy: Umami Burger originated in California . . .
  • Me: As did I!!!
It was YUMMY. They bring four sauces — including the famous Umami catsup, which was amazing — and I deeply dislike catsup. But this was like a cross between catsup and barbecue sauce (which I also dislike), sort of sweet and savory and smoky all at once, and I really liked it. The other sauces were garlic aioli, a mildly spicy Ranch dressing, and a hot sauce, served on little Chinese soup spoons. So cunning! So tasty! We also had caramelized Brussels sprouts and a pickle plate. Crazy good!!!

 

Thus fortified, we set out on the subway again. Other than a Broadway show, there was one thing that I simply had to experience in Metropolis.

The mothership!!

New York City Public Library! The lions are named Patience and Fortitude, and I believe we're both feeling up Patience. Then we went inside . . .

Honestly, I was a little disappointed. Many of the rooms are kinda stinky (it's wicked old), and it was ridiculously hard to find books!! But we loved the Children's Room.

The original Winnie the Pooh collection. Weep! Weep!

It was a marvelous day, but we were really happy to collapse in our air-conditioned hotel room, feet up, bras off, icy drinks in hand.

Our room was lovely and roomy, which I'm only mentioning because Brunie had warned me that it would be shoebox size. But it was as big as any other hotel room I've ever stayed in. We were on the second floor, the free breakfast was tasty and ample, and there was free-flowing ice just a few floors away. I was happy as a kitten.

 

Mimosa was ready to send out for pizza and call it a night, but I had this itchy feeling of I'm in New York, I should DO something, though honestly I was fairly knackered as well. We compromised by "doing something" incredibly easy, though it did mean walking nine blocks.

 

Popcorn and Peanut M&MS for dinner. So fun!!!

When we got home, a nice hotel lady called us over and asked if we were Hilton Reward members. Much to my surprise, I am! (Maybe I signed up during one of my Film Festival weekends?) She then offered us a "little taste" of an upgrade — for the next few days of our stay, we could experience the Cadillac of Hilton Rewards, and she gave me a list of restaurants and other venues that would give us a 15–20% discount.

I pored over the list . . . and saw something that I really really really wanted to experience.

But now I'm tired and must go to bed. Stay tuned for Part 2!!!!

xox
Lady C, Badass!!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Fourth Annual Film Festival!!


SUNDAY

Check-in time at the Peabody Marriott, our home for the "weekend" (and the site of Brunie's honeymoon, lo these many decades ago), is 4 p.m., according to the hotel website. However, without even discussing it with each other, we each show up before 3 p.m. and are shown to our room — at the end of the world's longest hallway. Brunie says, "If I see two twin girls, I am heading right back out."

Constant Readers will be relieved to know that YES, there is a refrigerator! (Husband requested that I text him right away with the news.) There is also an ice machine with full-size cubes, in contrast to last year's ice pearls! And the room is not too hot! I'm as happy as a kitten in cornflakes.

Brunie, though, is stymied — for the first time in all of ever, she can't get the TV to recognize her computer. A lovely man came to hook us up, and Brunie frantically began moving liquor bottles.
  • Brunie: Please don't look at all the alcohol.
  • Man: Wow.
  • Brunie: There's a lot of shame in this room.
Later, the Lovely Man refers to us as "you two kids."
  • Lady: Oh! Give him a tip!
  • Brunie: You are now our favorite person.
  • Man: I'm just angling for a drink.
We invite him to come by when he's off duty, which, he tells us, is 11:30. I am not fazed, though Brunie will have been asleep for four hours by then. Time will tell!

My request for our first movie: something lively with music. Brunie peruses the menu on her computer.
  • Brunie: Oh my God, can't you be smaller???
  • Lady: Which I say to myself in the mirror every day.
3:53 p.m. Rock of AWESOME!
  • Brunie: Once again, RGB saves the day! Fuck you, HDMI!
  • Lady: [whatever] Hon, while you're up . . .
Brunie uncorks the wine, then returns to unpacking and fiddling about. Note the missing step.
  • Lady: Hey there, Distracted Girl.
  • Brunie: I have all kinds of shit going on.
[She finally pours my wine into a glass and hands it to me. My God, how I suffer.]

We cheer for singing Alec Baldwin, bless his beefy heart.

Digeo Boneta introduces himself to Julianne Hough.
  • Diego Boneta: I am Drew.
  • Brunie: Did he just say "I am Groot"?
Notable quote from Catherine Zeta-Jones: "It's time to take Satan off our streets and knock the little sucker back to hell!"
  • Brunie: Why is this such a weird size?
(It's like it's letter-boxed, but with a big chunk out of one side as well.
  • Lady: Probably something you did. Wait, is that something you said on your honeymoon?
  • Brunie: Yeah. Same response, too.
We debate the hotness of Alec Baldwin in this movie. Brunie is not seeing it. I explain my "the guy I have a chance with" approach — as in, your odds of going home with that guy are so much better. Why stand in line with 47 other women for Tom Cruise, this movie's heart-throb? He'll be like a community toilet by the time it's your turn. Alec is a perfectly lovely choice, despite his Prince Valiant hair in this movie, which is a deal-breaker for Brunie.

We then discuss Tom Cruise, whom we generally don't like. But I love him in this, also Tropic Thunder, and Brunie reminds me how sweet he is in Jerry Maguire. Oh, yeah, he had us at hello.

Catherine Z-J is singing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." I cannot watch.
  • Lady: She has an Oscar.
  • Brunie: Whoever choreographed this needs to pay.
Tom Cruise rests his hand on someone's breast. (Possibly Julianne Hough's. Possibly Malin Akerman's. I failed to note owner of breast.)
  • Tom Cruise: You have such a perky . . . heart.

  • Paul Giamatti: What do Keith Richards, Jimmy Page, and Stacee Jaxx all have in common?
  • Lady: They've never been in my kitchen?

  • Paul Giamatti: Go after love if you want it. But I can offer you something much better.
  • Lady: Better than love?
  • Paul Giamatti: Fame.
  • Brunie: Will you live forever?
  • Lady: Will you learn how to fly?
  • Brunie: High?

  • Mary J. Blige: Cognac — a brandy.
  • Julianne Hough: I don't mix my drinks.
  • Mary J: No, she's Cognac. She's getting you a brandy.
  • Lady: Do you like brandy?
  • Brunie: She's a fine girl.
We have been eating salsa and guac and chips, and now I've opened Cheetos and Flaming Hot Cheetos. I am steadily emptying wine bottle, Brunie is sobering up with cherry soda.
  • Brunie: Oh shit! I just ate a Flaming Hot Cheeto!
  • Lady: I think you should drink more alcohol so you can be mellow like me.

 
We start fast-forwarding through the awesomeness.
  • Alec Baldwin: I just threw up.
  • Russell Brand: Where?
  • Alec Baldwin: In my pants.
Rock of Awesome culminates in a Journey song.
  • Brunie: I feel like Journey is maybe not the heart of rock and roll.
  • Lady: Right. It should be that Sex Pistols song I can't remember.
[Note: The song is "We're Not Gonna Take It." By Twisted Sister. I am maybe not the heart of rock and roll either.]
  • Lady: We need to go dark now.
5:45 p.m. Lady In a Cage
  • Lady: I brought you a pretty wine glass. What the hell?
  • Brunie: I like a tumbler.
  • Lady: But you hold it in your hand, it gets warm.
  • Brunie (pointing to glass she is not holding): Do I? Do I?
  • Lady: You sound like Martini now. And he is annoying.
We watch as cars drive by Olivia de Havilland's house.
  • Brunie: So much traffic. This is a horror movie!
Trapped Olivia clutches her bosom.
  • Lady: My heart is perky!
Homeless Guy has now broken into her house, spies rows of old-lady wine.
  • Lady as Homeless Guy: Mmmm — creme de cacao!
Ann Sothern is in this movie. I get her and Joan Blondell mixed up. Which one is in Feud?

Homeless Guy and Ann Sothern cackle drunkenly at each other.
  • Brunie:They're adorable.
  • Lady: I think we're looking at our future.
  • Brunie: Olivia is the boringest woman in this movie. All she does is sit in a cage.
  • Lady: Well, see the title.
Once we've seen James Caan in his debut, we've had enough.
  • Lady: Yeah, that guy's never going anywhere.
  • Brunie: First and last movie.
6:44 p.m. Street Smart

We cheer at this credit:

And "Morgan Freeman" as "Fast Black"


(love the "quotation marks")
  • Whore Kathy Baker: You know, for 60 bucks you could have a really good time.
  • Lady: How much would a really good time cost you?
  • Brunie: I'm not sure I understand the question.
  • Lady: OK, so, a movie, a big bag of popcorn . . . I think I could do it for under $30.

  • Editor (reading Chris Reeve's article): "We need to change 'pussy' to something cleaner."
  • Lady: What?
  • Brunie: Snooch.

Chris and Morgan have finally met.
  • Brunie: He's charming as fuck. I would totally work for him.
It is not a great movie, BUT.
  • Lady (to Morgan): You don't even know. You're in this movie with Superman, and in 20 years . . .
  • Brunie: You'll be everyone's favorite actor.
  • Lady: You will be how we all imagine the voice of God. This is the movie where it all changes for him.
  • Brunie: Because he's SMOKIN' HOT.

  • Chris Reeve: I want you to be careful.
  • Mimi Rogers: What am I supposed to do?
  • Lady: Lock your door, idiot.
  • Brunie: Don't get in a cage!

  • Prosecutor: I don't mind saying that I'm very pleased with our position . . .
  • Lady: . . . which is missionary.
Chris Reeve shudders at Whore Kathy Baker's gruesome autopsy photos.
  • Morgue Guy: I told you what he was.
  • Lady: He's no good, he's no good, he's no good, baby, he's no good.
  • Brunie: Say it again!

Hot tub break!! Which is lovely. I then see a guy on our endless hallway and mention The Shining. The guys says, "No kidding. If I see a Big Wheel, I'm out of here."



9:26 p.m. Secretary

Brunie plans to shower and sleep rather than watch this fine film. She says it's one of those movies she never needs to see again. I get it. We then list some of those movies:
  • Schindler's List
  • Saving Private Ryan
  • Breaking the Waves
  • Million Dollar Baby
Maggie G loves her some S&M.
  • Brunie: I'm guessing her dad wasn't a big disciplinarian.
  • Lady: He was a drunk. He was hardly every home. [takes a big swig o' wine]  It's sad when parents drink to excess.
James Spader spanks Maggie G as she reads aloud a letter.
  • Lady: I do not want anything like this in my own life, but . . .
  • Brunie: I know what you're about to say.
  • Lady: It's art! It's art!
[Note that Brunie is watching this irresistible movie.]

Maggie G examines her massive bum bruise.
  • Lady: I look like that after surgery.
Maggie G is so turned on by her massive bum bruise, she starts touching herself nasty.
  • Lady: She's doing it through her clothes.
  • Brunie: I noticed that too.
  • Lady: I can't see how that's going to work.
We watch the entire movie! And then lights off at 11:30, both of us going to sleep at the same time. This has never happened before!!

MONDAY

We're awakened at 6 by some crazy alarm of Brunie's. She informs it that we are on holiday. We then sleep fitfully until I sit up at 7:30.
  • Brunie: No way are you up before me.
  • Lady: Believe it, baby.
  • Brunie: If you let me brush my teeth and pee first, I'll get us Starbucks.
  • Lady: Easiest deal I ever made.
  • Brunie: I know you're a whore for Starbucks.

And as I learned from Secretary, there are indeed whores who negotiate around pee. Maybe even tooth-brushing.

9:08 a.m. Almost Summer

Lee Purcell was my idol in high school. I love her hair in this movie, also her little scarves. Brunie schools me about the skateboards the '70s boys are riding, but I understand not one word of it. Something about penny boards and lawn mowers?

Darryl Fitzgerald (swoon!) enters.

  • Brunie: Is Didi Conn going to get her braces off? Is this the guy who runs for president? Does he fall for post-braces Didi Conn?
  • Lady: Why are we even watching this movie?
  • Senior Prez Tim Matheson: I would now like to introduce a girl who I know . . .
  • Lady:  . . . tastes delicious!

Such a cute movie.
  • Lady: Was it everything you remembered?
  • Brunie:  I forgot the nipples.

10:45 a.m. Cradle Will Rock

I know nothing about this movie. Brunie rambles on about the WPA. It's all very confusing, and I pour a drink. Yes, at 10:45, or whatever.


Credits roll.
  • In unison: Paul Giamatti!
  • Lady: "It was then the girls realized . . ."
  • Brunie: ". . . that they were having a Paul Giamatti film festival."

  • Lady: "You don't have to be poor to be a whore."
  • Brunie: That's for shore.
It's a Who's Who of fantastic actors, but there are 13,000 subplots and we are lost. Not because we are drinking, not because I'm distracted by my physical therapy (yes I'm doing PT. Also drinking), not because Brunie is overly focused on the house she's been crocheting all weekend; we can multi-task like mo-fos. It's just a really confusing movie. We decide to keep watching until we can figure out who's playing Orson Welles.

  • Lady: There've been bare breasts in every movie so far.
  • Brunie: So maybe that's our theme.

We peer intently at Orson but cannot recognize this actor. (It's Angus Macfadyen.) I begin whining for a new movie, but Brunie insists on reading Internet stuff and learning. From Wikipedia.

11:21 a.m. Something Wild

Jeff Daniels goes through Melanie G's bag.

  • Brunie: Handcuffs?
  • Lady (mishearing): Tampons???
We admire Melanie G's natural boobs. (Bare breasts!)
  • Lady: She's had so much plastic surgery now.
  • Brunie: She probably watches this movie and cries.
Memorable quote: "It's better to be a live dog than a dead lion." We ponder this.
  • Brunie: I am a dog.
  • Lady: I'm a horse. A work horse. That's the character I identify with in . . .
  • Brunie: War Horse?
  • Lady: Animal Farm.
  • Brunie: Every mother identifies with the horse.
In the spirit of this movie, Brunie tries to get me to smoke fruity vapes. I try blueberry. Ughy-pew. I begin hunting for my movie list.

  • Brunie: Is it in your panty drawer?
  • Lady: I have a panty drawer?
  • Brunie: Yeah, I was looking for a snack in that drawer, and you told me not to eat your panties.
  • Lady: Which, I maintain, is a really reasonable rule.
1:50 p.m. Pretty in Pink — and lunch!!!

Andrew "Blaine" McCarthy enters.
  • Lady: Hello, Tall, Bland, and Dreamy!
Brunie is more into Molly Ringwald's dad, Harry Dean Stanton, than the teen shenanigans. I have to assure her that he doesn't die.

At 2:25, we have our first Bratslavian Cooler of the weekend! Brunie makes it as I direct her from the bed. Damn, we make a good cocktail!
  • Lady: The character of Blaine is a mystery to me. We should analyze him later in the hot tub.
  • Brunie: He's a dumb-dumb.
  • Lady: Well, that was quick.
  • Lady: Why wasn't Molly Ringwald in St. Elmo's Fire? Did she get to read the script first?
  • Harry Dean Dad: I'm sorry that I'm the one you have to tell all this stuff.
  • Molly: I'm not. She couldn't have said it any better than you.
  • In unison: Aww . . .
  • Lady: And at 2:45, our hearts officially melted.
Brunie wants to go out and smoke.
  • Lady: If you're leaving, will you refresh my drink?
  • Brunie: You are so lucky to have me.
  • Lady: And so it is inscribed.
We continue to make Shining jokes about our long hallway. Seriously, our room is in East Freaking Bum. I hit my target heart rate just getting ice.

Brunie says that Stranger Than Fiction will be our 8 p.m. movie, and we'll go to sleep watching The Shawshank Redemption.
  • Lady: Yes, that is surely a movie you want to drift off to.
3:37 p.m. "Linda Blair in Summer of Fear"
  • Brunie (referring to evil Lee Purcell): So she's Indian, right?
  • Lady: No . . . ?
  • Brunie:  I think of her as Indian.
  • Lady: She's Appalachian.
  • Brunie:  Good thing we're not recording this, since I'm clearly racist.
  • Lady: I'm not sure that thinking Indian is Appalachian makes you racist . . . just an idiot.
  • Brunie: There's always that.
Young man enters.
  • Lady: There's Bo Duke! Or Luke Duke.
  • Brunie: Or Faux Duke.
Evil Lee Purcell is playing chess.
  • Evil Lee Purcell: Mate.
  • Lady: Is that an order?
  • Linda Blair (to her horse): You don't think I'm ugly, do you, Sundance?
  • Lady: Well, you're a chubby little dwarf with frizzy hair, but you're just as God made you.
Brunie belches loudly.
  • Lady: Gross.
  • Brunie:  Oh, I forgot that bothers you.
  • Lady: It bothers everyone.
  • Brunie: No, just you. Everyone else is fine with it.
[Everyone else: Are you really fine with constant audible belching? Please leave your answer in the Comments.]

5:54 p.m. Intolerable Cruelty

I lustily "Woo!" for the Coen brothers. Love them!!

Yuppie Lawyer Guy is at a diner.

  • YLG: Do you have a green salad?
  • Waitress: What the fuck color would it be?
  • YLG: Uh, salad, then? Baby field greens?
  • Waitress: What did you call me?
George Clooney picks up a magazine called Living Without Intestines! Yeah, we would read that. And take the quiz.
  • Catherine Z-J: I could have you disbarred for that.
  • Brunie: I would totally risk disbarment for her!
(She is stunning in this movie. It's before she's with Michael Douglas. Just saying.)

Happy endings for everyone! So to speak. Time for the hot tub!!!

8:54 p.m. Dying to Belong

We're just watching for a minute while we wait for room service.
  • Brunie: Is that Jenna Van Oy? Is she dying to belong?
  • Lady: Yeah. Don't get attached.

9:22 p.m. Stranger Than Fiction
  • Dustin Hoffman: What's your favorite word?
  • Will Ferrell: Integer.
(Mine is "serenity." Brunie doesn't have one. Well, she's asleep.)

Lights out at 11:11.

MONDAY

7:36 a.m. Fifteen and Pregnant

Man nipple on screen! Park Overall takes mother's little helpers! And possibly the most unpromising credit ever:

"Introducing Julia Whelan as Rachel"

Kirsten Dunst is 15 in this movie? She has looked 21 her whole life.

Kirsten takes a drag on a cigarette.
  • Lady: Well, that'll age you.
  • Kirsten: I thought we'd be together forever.
  • Lame Baby Daddy: July to October — that's almost forever for me.
  • Lady: The message of this movie is clearly that religion is idiotic [K's minister tells her that birth control is bad] and children are terrible.
  • Brunie: These are good things to know.
Park Overall is cooking bacon with the strips all kerflooey.
  • Brunie: That is NOT how you cook bacon.
The smoke alarm goes off.
  • Brunie:  See, there's the bacon alarm.
  • Lady: Is there nothing in Park Overall's life that isn't judging her?
  • Random Character: In my day, children weren't allowed to have babies in seventh or eighth grade.
  • Brunie: They weren't allowed?
  • Lady: You hold that baby in! From July to October, which we know is almost forever.
  • Pregnant Kirsten: Will I have to give up soccer?
  • Brunie: That is the question every girl asks herself.
Lame Baby Daddy rings the doorbell.
  • Brunie: The impregnator's here!
  • Lady: I know him by his sperm!

In a tender moment, Park Overall strokes her pregnant daughter's hair.
  • Brunie (tenderly): You're such a disappointment.
  • Lady: I feel like this movie would be so much better if we muted it and provided all the dialogue ourselves.
At 8 a.m., we call it. Brunie goes to the hot tub, I return to:

8:01 a.m. Dying to Belong Again

There is nothing I love more than a sorority hazing movie starring Oscar winners.


Watching people climb heights — even when I know the outcome — is my most stressful thing. Jenna Von Oy is told to hang a banner way up high. We don't even see her climb, and yet my hands are sweating like crazy. Spoiler: SHE DIES. No Oscar for Jenna Von Oy.
  • Dreamy Reporter Boy: Is there any chance this death was caused by hazing?
  • Dean Curtis: The university strictly forbids hazing.
  • Lady: Therefore, it doesn't happen, son!
The sorority's motto is:
       Commitment
       Unity
       Trust

And I keep thinking they're missing a key word . . .

(Maybe Noogies?)

It feels all kinds of wrong to criticize the directing or editing of this awesome cinematic effort, but it seems like key scenes are missing. There is so much build-up as to whether Hilary and Sarah Chalke are going to play pool with the mean girls — then Sarah hands Hil a stick and we're done. Who won?? So many questions. I could write a whole paper on this movie — or maybe I just need more coffee.

Dying to Belong has a theme song! My joy is complete. However, I cannot find a link to it anywhere. You'll just have to watch the awesomesauce that is this movie. You're welcome!!
  • Mom: What kind of mother doesn't believe in her own daughter?
  • I too am dying to belong!
  • Lady: Oh, hon — I have a movie to show you.
  • Mom: The next time I try to tell you how to live your life, will you do me a favor?
  • Lady: Will you show me your two Oscars?
  • Dean Curtis: This is a situation that we intend to rectify.
  • Lady: As an anti-hazing statement, I'm finding that a tad lacking in oomph.

LOVE this movie!!! It has everything. So much Oscar!!!


9:28 a.m. St. Elmo's Fire

We discuss which character we related to when we first saw this movie. Brunie picks Mare Winningham.

  • Lady: Chubby girl in Spanx pining for a bad boy?
  • Brunie:  Pretty much.
We attempt to sing "Man in Motion," using my two bottles of Jergen's Fake Tan Natural Glow as our microphones. However, we only know, like, every five words. Which does not stop us from singing lustily.
  • Brunie: Look — the same song plays everywhere they go.
  • Lady: It is the soundtrack of their lives.
  • Brunie: What's the soundtrack of your life?
  • Lady: We've Only Just Begun.
  • Brunie: No.
  • Lady: Looks Like We Made It.
  • Brunie: No.
  • Lady: Every Which Way But Loose.
  • Brunie: That's a movie, not a soundtrack.
  • Lady: You're so critical.
I dislike when people saw puh-JAW-muhs instead of puh-JAMM-uhs. Fortunately, Brunie says it right.
  • Judd Nelson: Don't put that thing in — we're getting married, let's take a chance.
  • Brunie: Because nothing says fun like unplanned pregnancy.
  • Lady: It's like they haven't even seen Fifteen and Pregnant.
I realize that I was Kirby back in the day — holding a responsible job, and concocting ridiculous schemes to get the one I loved to love me (and he pronounces pajamas correctly!).
  • Kirby: Haven't you heard of the Sexual Revolution?
  • Kevin: And who won that?
  • Lady: Me. In fact, I medaled.
  • Demi Moore: Kevin, why did you never make a pass at me?
  • Kevin: Well, I never joined the army either . . .
  • Lady: So he's avoiding the clap in several ways.
Andie McDowell is possibly the prettiest worst actress in the world. I am amazed at her consistently bad line readings.
  • Demi Moore: I never thought I'd be so tired at 22.
  • Lady: I never thought I'd be so drunk at 11.
11:11 a.m. The Tall Guy


Emma Thompson is astonishingly adorable in this movie.

  • Lady: Aren't you in love with her?
  • Brunie:  Everyone is.
Great line from Rowan Atkinson: "You elongated droplet of dung."

This is an utterly charming movie. We are spellbound, hence lack of notes.
  • Brunie: It's also been a really long two days. We've been working really hard.
  • Lady: Baby, we were born to watch.
  • Lady: Cheryl walks with her toes pointed out.
  • Brunie: So do I.
  • Lady: What's that a sign of?
  • Brunie: Easy virtue.
Cheryl wants to get it on with Jeff Goldblum, he says it's not a good idea.
  • Cheryl: Not a good idea because you've got a girlfriend? Well, I've got a husband.
  • Lady: That trumps your girlfriend.
  • Brunie: Trump's your girlfriend?

We begin warbling "Regrets . . . I've had a few . . ."

12:37 p.m. Movie concludes
  • Lady: Do you have any summing-up words of wisdom?
  • Brunie: How I wish I did. Religion is stupid and children are horrible?
  • Lady: Don't get in a cage or pledge a sorority. Nothing good will come of it.
  • Brunie: And when you're 15, don't get pregnant.

Same time next year, peeps!

love and kisses,
Lady C